Tabassum - A Smile

There I was sitting by the lake side, gazing at the star-studded night. And trying to get involved with the ambience around me.  I could feel the silence in the surroundings and I tried to feel ‘peace’ if this is what it means. People always say that the best things in the world are felt with closed eyes.. And as soon as I closed my eyes and tried to feel the peacefulness around…The gentle breeze of spring surrounded the cold atmosphere..  And I was about to frame a picture of “Symbol of Peace”, when I suddenly was shuddered by the sounds of sobbing and weeping..

I immediately opened my eyes and looked around.. The moonlight was faint enough to give me a clear view. So I went nearer to the object or figure from where the sobbing sound came..  As soon as I got nearer, I saw a lady in creased synthetic saree, may be in 30’s standing at the lake on a few feet wall that surrounded it and almost on the edge of it. Moreover, I recognized from her bumpy belly that she must have been pregnant. And was standing on the edge of the wall and thinking whether to jump off the wall into the lake or not.. The blue waters of lake of course seem to be calling for her.

I thought to ignore her, scared of not getting involved into any issue like any other normal citizen…(Mango Man/Girl)…But all of a sudden there was something that made me pause. I just made up my mind, went to her and asked her – “Excuse me..!”..

She was scared and was almost shivering and turned around and burst into tears aloud.. I let her cry for her catharsis to burst out.. After few minutes I gave her a bottle of water to drink… And asked her what was she upto and why? And what was her name and all..

She wiped of her tears and told me – “My name is Tabassum. I have come from Kolkata. I am pregnant and …”  

Before she could say further I interrupted… Don’t know for what.. and said – “The father of the kid left you so u r ending your life? Why? What is the fault of the kid that has not even born? U can’t give punishment to an embryo for the crime done by a father naa? And blah blah blah..”

But ya after Tamanna, again a name I fell in love with Tabassum – A smile…

She dint utter a word and let me speak. Once I was done with my questionnaire with no answers given from her. She told me – “I don’t know who the father is.. ” And she gave me a stare..

I looked her straight into the eye. For some reason I could not take my eyes off that tearful hazel eyes which sparkled more with tears.  All of a sudden I was shaken with cool breeze and by assembling words very difficultly I asked her.. “uuuuhhhmmmm… what do u mean?”

She took a deep breath and told me – “I am Tabassum. I have come from Kolkata. I am pregnant. I was born in one of the slum areas of Kolkata.  I was malnourished as a child. But recently I come from a place where there are bright tungsten lights at grocery shops and high volume pop music playing at the tea stalls. And between those tea stalls, are the narrow lanes where young girls with heavy makeup and colourful clothes get lined up. The girls of various ages, religions, caste, etc that try to draw attention of men by laughing, chuckling and pulling their hands..”

I suddenly felt the tiny droplets of perspiration on my forehead inspite of cold weather and my hands shivering and going numb. And I was almost about to say .. “So u r a prostit***”.. But I hardly can be that blunt ever so I decided to keep mum and asked her to continue.

She continued – “It was a mandatory contract that we were to serve atleast 10-15 customers each day .. When I went there for the first time, my dad took me there and left me when I was 12 years of age… I felt it all very gaudy and dirty and denied to do what Sardarni asked me to do…(the brothel owner).. But my dad had left me there for good and there was no escape and dint know way to my home..  So I was forced to serve a customer at the age of 12 and I was bleeding and crying…”

She was almost into tears as if it all happened yesterday.. I patted her on her back and asked her to drink some more water..

She continued- “ I used to serve customers one after another whole day and night .. almost 20-25.. And If I denied to do that I was not served food for that day…”

I started shivering now. I asked her – “What is ur age?”

She said – “I am 18 years old now”… And I was shocked .. Because she looked in 30s..

I asked – “But u look much elder than your age?”… And I was still not believing her age.. I thought may be because she’s from slum area, she might not be knowing her perfect age but half the age??

She told me – “When I joined I was malnourished. So I was given injections of ‘Oradexon’ – a steroid in order to gain weight, appear healthier and more attractive to clients.. And this drug can be found on any tea stalls or grocery shops around the brothel.. We don’t require prescription for it..”

And I was like numb now.. I asked her “Is this the same drug that farmers use to fatten their cattle”.. and she agreed to it.. Now I was speechless..

She continued – “ We are given 300-500 rs per day… But I don’t know how much I actually earned because Sardarni used to take away all my income and in return she served me food for 3-4 times a day. For me, that was enough.. Food and shelter! .. May be because some customer might not have used precautions so I got pregnant and my sardarni left me.. Because she knew that I was of no use to her since I would not have been able to serve the customers… I came here with one of my friends who brought me here… But I lost her on the station… And now I am pennyless and jobless and shelterless.. If I can not survive, how will this kid survive? .. And even if I survive and give birth to a child and if it happens to be a girl, due to poverty it will again be the next Tabassum? ..i don’t want it… ”

I just asked her if she knew all household work.. She agreed to it.. I told her to save her ownself and the kid as well by working as a maid at various places..  She can earn her living and also bring up her child in a better way. She was lost in thoughts for sometime…

Then she agreed to it and decided to stand on her own feet… I gave her food and some money and left from there…

Again… as soon as I turned.. she gave me a voice.. “Memsaab… Thank you for saving mine and my kid’s life..” and she smiled… 

I just told her – “God bless u and the kid and keep smiling!”

A Smile – A Tabassum was back on her face which had faded and crushed long before…

Words Left Unsaid - The End

As soon as, Smriti opened her eyes, she was shocked to see what she saw in the mirror…  Or may be surprised…!! Her dark circles, her dried lips, her pale cheeks, her red swollen eyes, her turned down mouth and a face devoid of any hope, that she had seen just a few hours back was all vanished.. And in front of her stood A rejuvenated version of her ownself… She was taken aback for a while… She fell in love with her ownself…

She went to Aryan’s pic on the bedroom wall… She lit a candle there.. and put one rose out of the 60 roses in front of his pic.. And said a silent prayer in his name so that his soul rest in peace..She looked at Aryan straight into his eye and said…

“Aryan.. My Love..

Firstly thank u so much for the flowers and the only letter u wrote to me in life..  I am humbled.. But I wish u would have not done that.. Because it leaves me scarred..  and leaves me here with many questions unanswered and many words left unsaid…

Till now I was blaming my ownself for the failure of this marriage.. And I regretted that it was me who dint take the first step …  U r innocent because u were unable to understand… and unaware about my feelings..

But now when I know that u understood everything and still u purposefully avoided, it leaves me with ur impression as an “Evader”…  If you felt so much about me,  why would u waste 5 long years of your life and mine as well… ?

Do u even have a slightest idea how I have passed every day in these years…?  I have been regretting and blaming myself each day and each minute thinking may be I am wrong somewhere.. That I am not able to make u understand and win your heart.. And u feel its so easy to give 60 roses and make it up for each month of 5 years.. No! It doesn’t …  For u, these might have been 60 months.. But for me it has been 60 years… And I am just putting 1 rose in front of ur pic out of the 60 because it represents my one and only love…and that’s u my love..

And I am not an evader who would leave a note to u and not have guts to face you.. I always gave u glances and stares as well.. and made attempts to win ur heart as well but u decided to avoid it… Even today I am here looking straight into ur eyes and talking to you….

It’s still hard to believe u r gone.. I am dressed as per ur wish because it was ur last wish.. And I know it would have been the best day of my life if u were here today…  And from now onwards, I pledge that will try to make every day of my life – the best day of my life…  Because my guilt is cleared out.. And I have atlast discovered that I did win ur heart… I know I am no longer wrong…

I wish you could have admitted in the 1^st year of the marriage itself so that by now atleast we would have been a happy family with a kid and  and I would have our precious moments spent together as ur reminiscences….I would have been left with ur own flesh and blood as ur souvenir  and the sign of of our love…and  purpose of my life as well…

But never mind.. I still have a Purpose in my life and that is to have a Life of Purpose..  I will keep u alive in every beat of my heart and every breathe I take…   I will handle ur business, fulfill ur dreams, adopt a kid and raise it as well as if it was ours… And I will not marry again.. Because I was and am loyal to you and I want u to be my first and last and only love and want to keep u alive in my memories and my heart as well…

I will move-on.. But hold on!.. Moving on doesn’t mean… Forgetting someone and moving ahead in my life or giving up one some and moving ahead…  If ur love is true, it also means keep someone with u forever and moving ahead.. So that they remain the part of ur journey and progress as well…

I have never been hesitant and I still say – ‘I love you’ and will always do.. I know u r somewhere around me forever.. and inside me in my heart and memories.. U will never be a faint memory…. I promise!.. We will move ahead and celebrate our each success together…

Forever Urs

Smriti”

She then filled up a glass of red wine.. And raised it in front of Aryan’s pic saying…  “Cheers to the Words that were and are Left Unsaid….”

P.S. – As I have mentioned in many of my articles and I still repeat it… Express ur feelings when people are alive rather than regretting once they are no more..  Touch a heart while its beating.. Enlighten a soul while it dwells in a person.. not when it escapes and wanders…

Words Left Unsaid - Part 2

Smriti suddenly stood up upright from her knelt down position, realizing that she has a letter in her hand..

She all of a sudden ran to her bedroom and threw herself onto the bed… and hugged Aryan’s pillow and opened the letter after gathering up all the strength..

The letter was written in black ink over red paper… as u can see.. The letter read as follows…

“My Dearest wife Smriti

By the time u get this letter I might have left for Delhi.. Asusual u won’t say a word and remind me or u won’t get mad at me for forgetting the anniversary.. But I have not forgotten.. Neither had I forgotten for last 5 years.. But u never complained or uttered a word.. U held back ur pain and adjusted and adapted to every hurt with sublime hiatus.

I just want to tell you thank you for always tolerating my tantrums and my silence and respecting my privacy. U never complained even if I was wrong or hurting u or being unfair to u.. Hats off to ur tolerance and patience! If I would have been on ur place I would have quit this relation long back.. but u dint..

Thank you for not blaming me for the hurt I gave u on the first night..

Thank you for not allowing the world to notice our differences and maintaining my dignity in society..

Thank you for cooking every day my favourite dishes, sacrificing ur taste, and still never hearing compliments from my side..

Thank you for never fighting with me for watching T.V. when I wanted to watch those stupid fixed matches.

Thank you when even after crying whole night, u wish me good morning with a smile on ur face as if u dint cry at all at night..

Thank you  for reminding me my medicines daily, and still never making me realize that u care for me and I don’t reciprocate the same..

Thank you for taking care of my parents as much as u care for ur own parents and always showering respect and love on them..

Thank you for waiting for me every evening on the dining table for the dinner even if I come at midnight.. At times taking a power nap sitting on the dining table itself and not making me even feel that u r exhausted..

Thank you for never complaining that I never take u out on valentine’s day or anniversary…and yet staring me from the corner of the eye.. and loving me silently..

Thank you for keeping the life in this relation alive else this relation would have gone to coma or dead long before..

Thank you for listening my business conversations with full interest as if I was narrating some story of ur choice..

Yes I know u love me and I know u don't express it to me..I know every glance u make at me.. I know ur heart melts for me…I understand ur every emotion… U thought I never noticed all these over these years.. but I did.. and I am grateful that I did..

Its only because of u that this relation is alive and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart..

My ego won’t let me have an eye contact with you to tell you this.. but gathering up all my strength I want to confess it to you that gradually even I have fallen for u.. And yes! I do love you too..!

Oh please don’t let that tear in ur eyes flow down please..! They are precious.. Pls don’t waste it away…

When I come back, I want to see you clad in a complete white dress that u wore on the next day of our marriage.. I want u to be well-groomed just the way u were on that day… I want to take u to a candle-light dinner .. So be ready by 5 p.m. tomorrow , I shall be back by evening once I finish the meeting…

More than my loving and caring wife, I wanna see my recent beloved who is clad in white from top to bottom…

Lots of Love

-Aryan”

By the time Smriti finished off with the letter, it was already 5 p.m….

She all of a sudden got up and wiped off her tears…as if everything was a dream and headed for a shower.. She wept under the shower for 1 full hour and let all her pain drain away.. She came out and dressed herself in white dress, wore white bangles, white bindi, white stilettos and silver payal.. It seemed as if the part of the moon had descended onto the earth .. She looked ravishing and elegant.. She looked at herself in the mirror and smiled to her reflection.. Her reflection gave a broader smile..She fell  in love with her ownself that evening..

Just when she sprinkled Aryan’s favourite perfume “Stella” , the entire room was filled up with the sweetest aroma ever… And she closed her eyes to feel that scent… As soon as she opened the eyes, she was shocked to see what she saw in the mirror…

To be continued….

(Wait for what reflection said..)

Words Left Unsaid...

There she was sitting at the coffee-table by the window watching the drizzling outside and sipping her favourite Orange-Hazelnut coffee... Just the way ‘HE’ liked it... Strong, Rich and Smoother...

She kept staring at her mobile practically after every minute wondering why is there no buzz from him? Not an sms, not a call, not a whatsapp even??..Is he ok? Did he reach the airport? Has he boarded the flight?  It had been 4 hours, Aryan had left home for airport since he was going to Delhi from Bombay..

She wanted to make a call and confirm his well being but then she recalled what happened 6 hours back and shooed her thought away...

6 hours back...

Aryan and Smriti both woke up on their usual times as their alarm clocks chimed.. It had been a stereotype life for them since 5 years, right from the day they got married... Or may be night! .. On the marriage night itself, Aryan confessed to Smriti that he had married her just succumbed to parental pressure and so could not heartily give her a designation of a wife... If things work out over a period of time its fine else the life's gonna be a compromise for both of them till they have their last breathe in their hand..

Smriti was startled.. It was as if his voice was a knife slicing her into two. However she never failed to perform her duties or daily chores as a wife and yet managing to smile in front of the world...

Life for them was just like any other time-table that one followed.... Of course, Smriti being a female was emotional and had thought many times tried to talk to Aryan and even fell for him.. She thought eventually she might win Aryan’s heart and his love as well..But Aryan was a stubborn and highly practical guy.. who would either talk about business or the food that she had cooked or give her money to buy things and cut short the matter... He believed he was giving her everything by providing all the materialistic comforts...

 That day, once they woke up... They had their daily chores done.. And all of a sudden, Aryan announced that he was leaving for Delhi.. He had some important business work.. Smriti did not utter a word...It was their Marriage Anniversary....She wanted to go and hug him and give him surprises and wanted to recieve the same just like any other wife.. But was scared of Aryan's harsh-face and stone-heart.. She had a belief in the silent corner of her heart that may be he might recall it before he boards his flight and might cancel and return back or might be just sms before he boards..or just a whats app…

Current Moment..

She was looking at the phone unwinkingly, and waiting for it to just beep once... However it was in vain..It had already been 4 hours that he had left and he might have boarded the flight as well..

Smriti resumed herself back to the daily routine..She had completed all of her work..And so she decided to rest for a while and entertain her ownself by herself by watching T.V. which was her daily routine since her days mostly wrapped up in emptiness.. She was surfing the T.V. channels randomly... And all of a sudden she was shuddered the moment she saw the news channel...

The Breaking news section flashing on the bottom most part of the screen had the news that read- "The flight that had took off from Mumbai To Delhi has got CRASHED.. No passengers are expected to survive.."

She was frozen..She went numb..Her body and senses both went blank...She felt it was the harshest blow that the fate had given her... Before she could understand anything and feel the ground below her feet and face the reality, she fainted and fell to the ground...

When she resumed her consciousness by the knocking at the door, it already had been 1 hour passed..She was stretched out supine on the marble floor.. She tried to take a deep breath but she felt no air in the room… She re-collected in her memory- the flow of incidents.. She still prayed and wished it to be a nightmare that she might have seen in her 1 hour deep slumber... And again the door bell rang…

She felt a deep void inside which she knew now never would be filled up..  She rushed to the bathroom to wash her face.. but she could barely walk..With great difficulty she managed to drag herself her to the bathroom..She saw her reflection in the mirror..Her dark circles, her dried lips, her pale cheeks, her red swollen eyes, her turned down mouth and a face devoid of any hope..She hated everything about herself...She wanted to dissolve into tears but instead she splashed cold water onto her face..

She wanted to scream and tell him -

“Although he never talked sweetly to her, but even his business conversations were her favourite harmony..

Although he never noticed her, but when their eyes met in good morning and good nite greeting, she used to get drowned there for a moment,

Although he was stone at heart, and never expressed his emotions, her heart melted every moment for him....

Although he never really checked her out... but those quick glances that they exchanged on dining tables meant the world to her..”

It all atleast kept her alive... Gave her a reason to live.. It gave her a hope with every rising sun that may be this day would be better than yesterday and things may change..

But now the candle of hope had extinguished forever... It was too late.. It was all over now.. She regretted to the core..

She questioned her ownself... - "Why could not  I have messaged him if he dint wish? Why did not I remind him if he forgot? Why did not I take the initiative? Was he stubborn or I? Was I also being like him? Was ego more than the relation itself?"

Just when she was lost in the hurricane of questions and answers, the door bell rang again.....

Fogged in her brain, she still expected that it to be Aryan..She ran at the fastest pace to open the door..

When, she opened the door, she was startled at the visual that she saw.. A delivery boy was standing in front of her carrying a bouquet of 60 roses.. And a note and a letter attached to it..

The note read-

"Happy Anniversary.. 5 years .. 12 months in each year.. turns out to be 60 months.. So here's a rose for each month..

Regards

-Aryan"

She kneeled on the floor... Crying and sobbing... She wanted to curl up and die... The nerves in her body beat up hard against her skin.. It was as if her body had turned inside out, leaving her hollowed out..

And all of a sudden, she realized she had a letter in her hand too....

To be continued....

(wait for what the letter says)

P.S. - As I always say, Please value the person when he/she's alive rather than regret for not having said after they are gone... U might lose the person but the Regression stays for lifetime..Express ur emotions to ur loved ones before they become a faint Memory..  Take a step forward..

Tamanna - A craving

There I was upset with my life...Seating on the back seat of the car and heading to a doctor's clinic for a regular check up.. All through the way i had been thinking about a how I had been handling my life since a year... My health getting worse.. My emotions getting marred...The things and people i lost.. A tear rolled down my cheek seeing the frailty of my emotions...And all of a sudden i was quivered by the short brake that my driver made at the traffic signal...

Looking out of the window at the yellow street lights from the pane of the car-window, all of a sudden i was nudged on the elbow.. i sneaked out the window to see where did i feel the nudge from?...And i saw a girl-child who might not be more than 4 years old begging in her torn clothes and shabby appearance.. She could not even speak properly.. I ignored at first and looked away, thinking that these are just the tricks of the elder beggars to get the alms out of the passengers.. and thought of rolling up the glass of the window.. I wiped off the tears that had emerged into my eyes few minutes back with a soft tissue paper on my car-deck.....But after sometime I again felt a nudge..

She didnt move an inch from there.. looking at me with those innocent needy black eyes...which glistened more in the yellow lights... It was as if some spell in her eyes that dint make me roll up the windows.. Her hand was still held out... waiting for me to give her something expectantly..

I tried to find out but could not find her parents anywhere nearby.. Her stature made it appear that she was just 4 years old....a girl if was in school should be in Jr.Kg. (as per the new rules).. Kiddos in Jr. Kg are not even able to speak properly 1 sentence even when they are attending the nicest school..and this one was an uneducated little soul... and that too lost in the hushing n rushing traffic in peak hours..

I asked the driver to take the car by the foot path.. I called her there and asked her name.. She got scared enough to tell her name.. But when i pampered her ruffled hair...She spoke out with great difficulty - "Tamanna".. I was pleased to hear the name which also is a synonym to the word "craving".. Craving or Longing for love, care, food, money, education, luxuries or may be life????

She looked pale and exhausted.. as if every inch of her tiny body was complaining of the pain...I bought her a full platter of dinner from a nearby stall and a bottle of water as well.. I stood there till she completed it...She gobbled it up all as if she had been hungry since a week and i enjoyed watching her enjoying every small bite with great adoring expressions...

Once she finished it all.. I just asked her where was her home so that i could drop her by.. She showed me the footpath saying- "This entire road belongs to me..I can sleep anywhere I want..".. All of a sudden a smile curled up on my lips listening to her innocent answer.... All i could reply her was - "U have got a bigger bed than mine.."

I asked her about her parents.. because i still felt she was too tiny to handle her ownself alone...She said - "I am all by myself.. Whoever comes and stays and sleeps here with me .. may it be a kid or an adult is my friend... Parents I dont know..."

I was moved by the answer.. I was all of a sudden feeling a clump in my throat.. I cleared off the throat and asked her - "You have more friends than i have...How do u manage yourself alone?"

The reply she gave put me into shame.. She replied - "Memsaab, u cry when u feel lonely and can't handle.. We are used to it... For me, its an every day thing and we dont have those papers with us for tears.. We dont even wipe it off .. They dry up eventually" (She meant soft tissues)

I could not believe the reply i heard from a girl who was supposed to be in Jr. Kg. but is on streets..hardly 4 years old...I have never heard such replies from any 4-year kid even in the best school of the city.. I felt touched and decided to leave the place saying - "U indeed r luckier than me.. Do u wish to study?" .. Thinking she might have an ambition in life as well...Just like any other kid .. may be she might want to be this or that...

Her reply was - "I dont want all that mess in my life...So that after lots of years i sit in a big car under the yellow lights and cry .. I am happy here ...What is the difference between crying in a car or crying on footpath??.. "

I was speechless and had no reply to her question.. It was tough to accept that a 4 year old kid defeated me in rapid-fire round...I thought i should stop the conversation right there.. because it was making me feel more embarrassed... I just gave her a chocolate to end the meeting and started to move with a fast pace...All of a sudden I heard a shout and i turned around...She came to me running ... and told me with full innocent smile - "Memsaab.. Thank you.. and take care of urself... Can i sing a song for you? I will not charge you.."

I felt a chill run through my spine. I allowed her to mumble few lines... With broken lyrics in her sweet innocent voice she sang - "Tujhse Naraaz Nahin Zindagi ...Heraan Hoon Mein.. Tere Masoom Sawalon se Pareshan Hoon Mein...."... I felt goosebumps since that happens to be my favourite song. ... I  hugged her and reciprocated her cares ..... And sat in my car.. She waved me 'bye-bye' till my car was out of sight.. 

On the way, driver asked me - "Where shall i take u m'am?"

I said - "Take a U-Turn.. I wanna go home.. No need of doctor anymore.."


While coming back.. I was again lost into my thoughts.. I could not get "Tamanna" out of my mind...This time I felt contented and happy. .. Life felt complete... And I decided to accept the Life as it comes.. It was the best counselling I ever had in my Life... My Craving - Tamanna got satisfied...

May be Angels of God gave me enough warning signs to make me understand a Moral for Life -
"Be contented with whatever u have..U will surely get what u Deserve and not Desire.. That too Not soon but Eventually..."

I ignored those signs...  And thereby God Sent This L'il Angel "Tamanna" to Make me Understand... 

Thank You Candy-Bar Angel

There I was alone fighting my secret Battle with depression… Several words, incidents and emotions haunted me that neither could I Express nor could I Suppress…

It was a feeling like standing on the top of the cliff on the edge, neither having guts to fall and the same time not wanting to  a U-turn or get down.. So I stood there in the scorching heat at 12 p.m. where sun was showering its tantamount heat and yet caught in the arms of cold with my legs shaking and body shivering.. This is how I exactly felt every moment..

I felt a void inside…I felt my life was very much like Black hole in the galaxy .. Devoided completely of light and yet very deep..At times, I would feel, I wish I could grab a stranger’s hand, drag her to a bench and tell my catharsis.. But even when there were ears, I could not formulate a word..  Sometimes I felt like going to a vacant place and go and scream aloud and cry aloud whatever pain was there in my heart since a long time..

I know I have the most loving family and best set of friends and an angel…but then what had sent me to the cliff at the first place.. I felt like a baby parrot not caged, but feathers cut, limping and wounded.. The cuts I felt were so deep and hard that I doubted that would time be the healing for it..?? I wanted to fly high in the sky, reach the heights but I was not that talented to fly with broken wings. I was scared to even make a try to fly looking at the darkness of the abyss.. May be because when last time I was there I had an angel, that God had sent me, who grabbed my hand and assured that I could fly even with broken wings… May be that angel was missing..  May be that assurance was missing..

I thought of disappearing to a place since my thoughts were marred..Felt impetuously like going to a Wonderland where everything would be innocuous and copasetic..  Wanted to be Alice about whom I had  heard in my childhood  but Life is not a Fairy Tale…  And it ain’t very easy as it seems because it requires a very strong heart to give up on ur loved ones and disappear.. and I have a namby-pamby one.. My emotions had festered… I felt like a water lily left in the sun for long… Felt like a wilted leaf that hinges on to the twig with the last hope…

I tried to come down from the cliff and take a U-turn and water the wilted water-lily all over again..

I tried to look for the words but saw them fading away… I glowed a Torch into the dark corners of my room every night and dug down to the silt..  Looking for the alphabets that might have dropped or that might have been buried in emails or letters..

And there, Half-buried in the slime, I found them with a sound of chime…

Carefully, I dug out each letter out to the World only to discover that they spell out just one word..

And the word is W.R.I.T.E..

Finally I discovered the word and wrote today after ages..

However, today I am still on the cliff waiting for that lost assurance..and the hands that hold my finger and teach me to fly again..But at times I feel is it an illusion that am dreaming of or waiting of because an angel once taught me that neediness is over- dependency .. Make urself so strong and equipped to never get into a downhill situation..

When I was a kid, I used to fall sick frequently and it was a normal routine for my parents to travel back and forth to the hospital and even today the story remains the same.. *embarrassed*

There was an episode where I had to be given an injection on my back and of course being a kid I was terribly afraid of that long syringe and even today the story remains the same. Before the doctor used to  get his needles ready, he used to start a simple conversation such as ''What's your name?''  and all the personal details that we fill up as personal details today in any form… and then he jumped to '' what you wanted to be when you grow up?''

While I was there, having a silent war on my mind whether to answer Doctor or Lawyer or Teacher, he was already done with that shot on my back. Then, all that followed was a complete silence except for that 'Ouch' sound from my mouth.

Today when I think about it, I wonder how carefully he distracted me from the pain by diverting my thoughts to wander somewhere else. Of course before I left the room, he gave me some candy bars that's more than enough to take away all the pain in the world.

 The point is I don't remember the doctor's face or his name. I don't even remember how painful the OUCH was, but till today I can never forget those candies and the child-like grin on my face.

After 15 long years, An angel did the same thing in my life..No matter how much I was hurt .. No matter what all happened in Life.. And no matter what ups and downs came and went… She gave me those candies in form of her teachings… I don’t remember how she distracted from the pain.. I don’t remember even a single pain but all I remember is her teachings… because those are my most favourite candies at the moment.. That can heal any pain in the world..

I am totally concentrating on those candies and distracting myself from the pains and frustration and that doesn’t mean I am running away… Of course, I am still on the cliff but I have decided to sit cross legged on the floor of the cliff and concentrate on the breath taking view from here. This time I am set with a blanket and a tent. I'm not happy nor sad, I'm just contended and grateful for all the little things that I'm having right now especially the candies that my angel gives me.. I have complete faith in them that they will heal me and bring my child-like grin back..

I admit that my life wasn't shaping the way I want it to be, at times I wish I could hold the key to my own destiny. Perhaps, as the saying goes..'we cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand' would be appropriate to be made as a reference in my book called life. 

Who knows one day, maybe I will be able to forget the pain and all I could remember was those tiny small victories in the form of candy bars..

One more thing, you don't always get a chance to stand on top of a cliff ....balance urself and enjoy the view from there….with a cuppa coffee and a candy bar! 

P.S. Thank you God for the Candy-Bar Angel in my Life… Please Never let her drift away…!!

Passionate Eyes..!!

The Depth in these Eyes

Has the caliber to reach the Heights of the Skies..

They carry a Determined Vision..

Which no Human can ever Reason...

The way these Eyes Twinkle...

Makes escape any worry-full Wrinkle..

The Sight they have is beyond Imaginations..

The Life they have is beyond Limitations...

The Tenderness of the Care they Possess..

It means a more than a Mother's Caress...

The look in Anger - that's Stern...

Can make a Soul and Heart Burn..

The Love when showered through their Glint..

Words are not required, Eyes give a Hint..

These Eyes that carry lot of hidden Pain...

In the lonely moments, they Rain...

Still they are the Eyes of Determined Vision..

They have Experienced the Life with all the Precision and Passion...!!