U, Me and Coffee Talks...!!: April 2013

There I was alone fighting my secret Battle with depression… Several words, incidents and emotions haunted me that neither could I Express nor could I Suppress…

It was a feeling like standing on the top of the cliff on the edge, neither having guts to fall and the same time not wanting to a U-turn or get down.. So I stood there in the scorching heat at 12 p.m. where sun was showering its tantamount heat and yet caught in the arms of cold with my legs shaking and body shivering.. This is how I exactly felt every moment..

I felt a void inside…I felt my life was very much like Black hole in the galaxy .. Devoided completely of light and yet very deep..At times, I would feel, I wish I could grab a stranger’s hand, drag her to a bench and tell my catharsis.. But even when there were ears, I could not formulate a word.. Sometimes I felt like going to a vacant place and go and scream aloud and cry aloud whatever pain was there in my heart since a long time..

I know I have the most loving family and best set of friends and an angel…but then what had sent me to the cliff at the first place.. I felt like a baby parrot not caged, but feathers cut, limping and wounded.. The cuts I felt were so deep and hard that I doubted that would time be the healing for it..?? I wanted to fly high in the sky, reach the heights but I was not that talented to fly with broken wings. I was scared to even make a try to fly looking at the darkness of the abyss.. May be because when last time I was there I had an angel, that God had sent me, who grabbed my hand and assured that I could fly even with broken wings… May be that angel was missing.. May be that assurance was missing..

I thought of disappearing to a place since my thoughts were marred..Felt impetuously like going to a Wonderland where everything would be innocuous and copasetic.. Wanted to be Alice about whom I had heard in my childhood but Life is not a Fairy Tale… And it ain’t very easy as it seems because it requires a very strong heart to give up on ur loved ones and disappear.. and I have a namby-pamby one.. My emotions had festered… I felt like a water lily left in the sun for long… Felt like a wilted leaf that hinges on to the twig with the last hope…

I tried to come down from the cliff and take a U-turn and water the wilted water-lily all over again..

I tried to look for the words but saw them fading away… I glowed a Torch into the dark corners of my room every night and dug down to the silt.. Looking for the alphabets that might have dropped or that might have been buried in emails or letters..

And there, Half-buried in the slime, I found them with a sound of chime…

Carefully, I dug out each letter out to the World only to discover that they spell out just one word..

And the word is W.R.I.T.E..

Finally I discovered the word and wrote today after ages..

However, today I am still on the cliff waiting for that lost assurance..and the hands that hold my finger and teach me to fly again..But at times I feel is it an illusion that am dreaming of or waiting of because an angel once taught me that neediness is over- dependency .. Make urself so strong and equipped to never get into a downhill situation..

When I was a kid, I used to fall sick frequently and it was a normal routine for my parents to travel back and forth to the hospital and even today the story remains the same.. *embarrassed*

There was an episode where I had to be given an injection on my back and of course being a kid I was terribly afraid of that long syringe and even today the story remains the same. Before the doctor used to get his needles ready, he used to start a simple conversation such as ''What's your name?'' and all the personal details that we fill up as personal details today in any form… and then he jumped to '' what you wanted to be when you grow up?''

While I was there, having a silent war on my mind whether to answer Doctor or Lawyer or Teacher, he was already done with that shot on my back. Then, all that followed was a complete silence except for that 'Ouch' sound from my mouth.

Today when I think about it, I wonder how carefully he distracted me from the pain by diverting my thoughts to wander somewhere else. Of course before I left the room, he gave me some candy bars that's more than enough to take away all the pain in the world.

The point is I don't remember the doctor's face or his name. I don't even remember how painful the OUCH was, but till today I can never forget those candies and the child-like grin on my face.

After 15 long years, An angel did the same thing in my life..No matter how much I was hurt .. No matter what all happened in Life.. And no matter what ups and downs came and went… She gave me those candies in form of her teachings… I don’t remember how she distracted from the pain.. I don’t remember even a single pain but all I remember is her teachings… because those are my most favourite candies at the moment.. That can heal any pain in the world..

I am totally concentrating on those candies and distracting myself from the pains and frustration and that doesn’t mean I am running away… Of course, I am still on the cliff but I have decided to sit cross legged on the floor of the cliff and concentrate on the breath taking view from here. This time I am set with a blanket and a tent. I'm not happy nor sad, I'm just contended and grateful for all the little things that I'm having right now especially the candies that my angel gives me.. I have complete faith in them that they will heal me and bring my child-like grin back..

I admit that my life wasn't shaping the way I want it to be, at times I wish I could hold the key to my own destiny. Perhaps, as the saying goes..'we cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand' would be appropriate to be made as a reference in my book called life.

Who knows one day, maybe I will be able to forget the pain and all I could remember was those tiny small victories in the form of candy bars..

One more thing, you don't always get a chance to stand on top of a cliff ....balance urself and enjoy the view from there….with a cuppa coffee and a candy bar!