Words Left Unsaid - The End

As soon as, Smriti opened her eyes, she was shocked to see what she saw in the mirror…  Or may be surprised…!! Her dark circles, her dried lips, her pale cheeks, her red swollen eyes, her turned down mouth and a face devoid of any hope, that she had seen just a few hours back was all vanished.. And in front of her stood A rejuvenated version of her ownself… She was taken aback for a while… She fell in love with her ownself…

She went to Aryan’s pic on the bedroom wall… She lit a candle there.. and put one rose out of the 60 roses in front of his pic.. And said a silent prayer in his name so that his soul rest in peace..She looked at Aryan straight into his eye and said…

“Aryan.. My Love..

Firstly thank u so much for the flowers and the only letter u wrote to me in life..  I am humbled.. But I wish u would have not done that.. Because it leaves me scarred..  and leaves me here with many questions unanswered and many words left unsaid…

Till now I was blaming my ownself for the failure of this marriage.. And I regretted that it was me who dint take the first step …  U r innocent because u were unable to understand… and unaware about my feelings..

But now when I know that u understood everything and still u purposefully avoided, it leaves me with ur impression as an “Evader”…  If you felt so much about me,  why would u waste 5 long years of your life and mine as well… ?

Do u even have a slightest idea how I have passed every day in these years…?  I have been regretting and blaming myself each day and each minute thinking may be I am wrong somewhere.. That I am not able to make u understand and win your heart.. And u feel its so easy to give 60 roses and make it up for each month of 5 years.. No! It doesn’t …  For u, these might have been 60 months.. But for me it has been 60 years… And I am just putting 1 rose in front of ur pic out of the 60 because it represents my one and only love…and that’s u my love..

And I am not an evader who would leave a note to u and not have guts to face you.. I always gave u glances and stares as well.. and made attempts to win ur heart as well but u decided to avoid it… Even today I am here looking straight into ur eyes and talking to you….

It’s still hard to believe u r gone.. I am dressed as per ur wish because it was ur last wish.. And I know it would have been the best day of my life if u were here today…  And from now onwards, I pledge that will try to make every day of my life – the best day of my life…  Because my guilt is cleared out.. And I have atlast discovered that I did win ur heart… I know I am no longer wrong…

I wish you could have admitted in the 1^st year of the marriage itself so that by now atleast we would have been a happy family with a kid and  and I would have our precious moments spent together as ur reminiscences….I would have been left with ur own flesh and blood as ur souvenir  and the sign of of our love…and  purpose of my life as well…

But never mind.. I still have a Purpose in my life and that is to have a Life of Purpose..  I will keep u alive in every beat of my heart and every breathe I take…   I will handle ur business, fulfill ur dreams, adopt a kid and raise it as well as if it was ours… And I will not marry again.. Because I was and am loyal to you and I want u to be my first and last and only love and want to keep u alive in my memories and my heart as well…

I will move-on.. But hold on!.. Moving on doesn’t mean… Forgetting someone and moving ahead in my life or giving up one some and moving ahead…  If ur love is true, it also means keep someone with u forever and moving ahead.. So that they remain the part of ur journey and progress as well…

I have never been hesitant and I still say – ‘I love you’ and will always do.. I know u r somewhere around me forever.. and inside me in my heart and memories.. U will never be a faint memory…. I promise!.. We will move ahead and celebrate our each success together…

Forever Urs

Smriti”

She then filled up a glass of red wine.. And raised it in front of Aryan’s pic saying…  “Cheers to the Words that were and are Left Unsaid….”

P.S. – As I have mentioned in many of my articles and I still repeat it… Express ur feelings when people are alive rather than regretting once they are no more..  Touch a heart while its beating.. Enlighten a soul while it dwells in a person.. not when it escapes and wanders…

Words Left Unsaid - Part 2

Smriti suddenly stood up upright from her knelt down position, realizing that she has a letter in her hand..

She all of a sudden ran to her bedroom and threw herself onto the bed… and hugged Aryan’s pillow and opened the letter after gathering up all the strength..

The letter was written in black ink over red paper… as u can see.. The letter read as follows…

“My Dearest wife Smriti

By the time u get this letter I might have left for Delhi.. Asusual u won’t say a word and remind me or u won’t get mad at me for forgetting the anniversary.. But I have not forgotten.. Neither had I forgotten for last 5 years.. But u never complained or uttered a word.. U held back ur pain and adjusted and adapted to every hurt with sublime hiatus.

I just want to tell you thank you for always tolerating my tantrums and my silence and respecting my privacy. U never complained even if I was wrong or hurting u or being unfair to u.. Hats off to ur tolerance and patience! If I would have been on ur place I would have quit this relation long back.. but u dint..

Thank you for not blaming me for the hurt I gave u on the first night..

Thank you for not allowing the world to notice our differences and maintaining my dignity in society..

Thank you for cooking every day my favourite dishes, sacrificing ur taste, and still never hearing compliments from my side..

Thank you for never fighting with me for watching T.V. when I wanted to watch those stupid fixed matches.

Thank you when even after crying whole night, u wish me good morning with a smile on ur face as if u dint cry at all at night..

Thank you  for reminding me my medicines daily, and still never making me realize that u care for me and I don’t reciprocate the same..

Thank you for taking care of my parents as much as u care for ur own parents and always showering respect and love on them..

Thank you for waiting for me every evening on the dining table for the dinner even if I come at midnight.. At times taking a power nap sitting on the dining table itself and not making me even feel that u r exhausted..

Thank you for never complaining that I never take u out on valentine’s day or anniversary…and yet staring me from the corner of the eye.. and loving me silently..

Thank you for keeping the life in this relation alive else this relation would have gone to coma or dead long before..

Thank you for listening my business conversations with full interest as if I was narrating some story of ur choice..

Yes I know u love me and I know u don't express it to me..I know every glance u make at me.. I know ur heart melts for me…I understand ur every emotion… U thought I never noticed all these over these years.. but I did.. and I am grateful that I did..

Its only because of u that this relation is alive and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart..

My ego won’t let me have an eye contact with you to tell you this.. but gathering up all my strength I want to confess it to you that gradually even I have fallen for u.. And yes! I do love you too..!

Oh please don’t let that tear in ur eyes flow down please..! They are precious.. Pls don’t waste it away…

When I come back, I want to see you clad in a complete white dress that u wore on the next day of our marriage.. I want u to be well-groomed just the way u were on that day… I want to take u to a candle-light dinner .. So be ready by 5 p.m. tomorrow , I shall be back by evening once I finish the meeting…

More than my loving and caring wife, I wanna see my recent beloved who is clad in white from top to bottom…

Lots of Love

-Aryan”

By the time Smriti finished off with the letter, it was already 5 p.m….

She all of a sudden got up and wiped off her tears…as if everything was a dream and headed for a shower.. She wept under the shower for 1 full hour and let all her pain drain away.. She came out and dressed herself in white dress, wore white bangles, white bindi, white stilettos and silver payal.. It seemed as if the part of the moon had descended onto the earth .. She looked ravishing and elegant.. She looked at herself in the mirror and smiled to her reflection.. Her reflection gave a broader smile..She fell  in love with her ownself that evening..

Just when she sprinkled Aryan’s favourite perfume “Stella” , the entire room was filled up with the sweetest aroma ever… And she closed her eyes to feel that scent… As soon as she opened the eyes, she was shocked to see what she saw in the mirror…

To be continued….

(Wait for what reflection said..)

Words Left Unsaid...

There she was sitting at the coffee-table by the window watching the drizzling outside and sipping her favourite Orange-Hazelnut coffee... Just the way ‘HE’ liked it... Strong, Rich and Smoother...

She kept staring at her mobile practically after every minute wondering why is there no buzz from him? Not an sms, not a call, not a whatsapp even??..Is he ok? Did he reach the airport? Has he boarded the flight?  It had been 4 hours, Aryan had left home for airport since he was going to Delhi from Bombay..

She wanted to make a call and confirm his well being but then she recalled what happened 6 hours back and shooed her thought away...

6 hours back...

Aryan and Smriti both woke up on their usual times as their alarm clocks chimed.. It had been a stereotype life for them since 5 years, right from the day they got married... Or may be night! .. On the marriage night itself, Aryan confessed to Smriti that he had married her just succumbed to parental pressure and so could not heartily give her a designation of a wife... If things work out over a period of time its fine else the life's gonna be a compromise for both of them till they have their last breathe in their hand..

Smriti was startled.. It was as if his voice was a knife slicing her into two. However she never failed to perform her duties or daily chores as a wife and yet managing to smile in front of the world...

Life for them was just like any other time-table that one followed.... Of course, Smriti being a female was emotional and had thought many times tried to talk to Aryan and even fell for him.. She thought eventually she might win Aryan’s heart and his love as well..But Aryan was a stubborn and highly practical guy.. who would either talk about business or the food that she had cooked or give her money to buy things and cut short the matter... He believed he was giving her everything by providing all the materialistic comforts...

 That day, once they woke up... They had their daily chores done.. And all of a sudden, Aryan announced that he was leaving for Delhi.. He had some important business work.. Smriti did not utter a word...It was their Marriage Anniversary....She wanted to go and hug him and give him surprises and wanted to recieve the same just like any other wife.. But was scared of Aryan's harsh-face and stone-heart.. She had a belief in the silent corner of her heart that may be he might recall it before he boards his flight and might cancel and return back or might be just sms before he boards..or just a whats app…

Current Moment..

She was looking at the phone unwinkingly, and waiting for it to just beep once... However it was in vain..It had already been 4 hours that he had left and he might have boarded the flight as well..

Smriti resumed herself back to the daily routine..She had completed all of her work..And so she decided to rest for a while and entertain her ownself by herself by watching T.V. which was her daily routine since her days mostly wrapped up in emptiness.. She was surfing the T.V. channels randomly... And all of a sudden she was shuddered the moment she saw the news channel...

The Breaking news section flashing on the bottom most part of the screen had the news that read- "The flight that had took off from Mumbai To Delhi has got CRASHED.. No passengers are expected to survive.."

She was frozen..She went numb..Her body and senses both went blank...She felt it was the harshest blow that the fate had given her... Before she could understand anything and feel the ground below her feet and face the reality, she fainted and fell to the ground...

When she resumed her consciousness by the knocking at the door, it already had been 1 hour passed..She was stretched out supine on the marble floor.. She tried to take a deep breath but she felt no air in the room… She re-collected in her memory- the flow of incidents.. She still prayed and wished it to be a nightmare that she might have seen in her 1 hour deep slumber... And again the door bell rang…

She felt a deep void inside which she knew now never would be filled up..  She rushed to the bathroom to wash her face.. but she could barely walk..With great difficulty she managed to drag herself her to the bathroom..She saw her reflection in the mirror..Her dark circles, her dried lips, her pale cheeks, her red swollen eyes, her turned down mouth and a face devoid of any hope..She hated everything about herself...She wanted to dissolve into tears but instead she splashed cold water onto her face..

She wanted to scream and tell him -

“Although he never talked sweetly to her, but even his business conversations were her favourite harmony..

Although he never noticed her, but when their eyes met in good morning and good nite greeting, she used to get drowned there for a moment,

Although he was stone at heart, and never expressed his emotions, her heart melted every moment for him....

Although he never really checked her out... but those quick glances that they exchanged on dining tables meant the world to her..”

It all atleast kept her alive... Gave her a reason to live.. It gave her a hope with every rising sun that may be this day would be better than yesterday and things may change..

But now the candle of hope had extinguished forever... It was too late.. It was all over now.. She regretted to the core..

She questioned her ownself... - "Why could not  I have messaged him if he dint wish? Why did not I remind him if he forgot? Why did not I take the initiative? Was he stubborn or I? Was I also being like him? Was ego more than the relation itself?"

Just when she was lost in the hurricane of questions and answers, the door bell rang again.....

Fogged in her brain, she still expected that it to be Aryan..She ran at the fastest pace to open the door..

When, she opened the door, she was startled at the visual that she saw.. A delivery boy was standing in front of her carrying a bouquet of 60 roses.. And a note and a letter attached to it..

The note read-

"Happy Anniversary.. 5 years .. 12 months in each year.. turns out to be 60 months.. So here's a rose for each month..

Regards

-Aryan"

She kneeled on the floor... Crying and sobbing... She wanted to curl up and die... The nerves in her body beat up hard against her skin.. It was as if her body had turned inside out, leaving her hollowed out..

And all of a sudden, she realized she had a letter in her hand too....

To be continued....

(wait for what the letter says)

P.S. - As I always say, Please value the person when he/she's alive rather than regret for not having said after they are gone... U might lose the person but the Regression stays for lifetime..Express ur emotions to ur loved ones before they become a faint Memory..  Take a step forward..

Tamanna - A craving

There I was upset with my life...Seating on the back seat of the car and heading to a doctor's clinic for a regular check up.. All through the way i had been thinking about a how I had been handling my life since a year... My health getting worse.. My emotions getting marred...The things and people i lost.. A tear rolled down my cheek seeing the frailty of my emotions...And all of a sudden i was quivered by the short brake that my driver made at the traffic signal...

Looking out of the window at the yellow street lights from the pane of the car-window, all of a sudden i was nudged on the elbow.. i sneaked out the window to see where did i feel the nudge from?...And i saw a girl-child who might not be more than 4 years old begging in her torn clothes and shabby appearance.. She could not even speak properly.. I ignored at first and looked away, thinking that these are just the tricks of the elder beggars to get the alms out of the passengers.. and thought of rolling up the glass of the window.. I wiped off the tears that had emerged into my eyes few minutes back with a soft tissue paper on my car-deck.....But after sometime I again felt a nudge..

She didnt move an inch from there.. looking at me with those innocent needy black eyes...which glistened more in the yellow lights... It was as if some spell in her eyes that dint make me roll up the windows.. Her hand was still held out... waiting for me to give her something expectantly..

I tried to find out but could not find her parents anywhere nearby.. Her stature made it appear that she was just 4 years old....a girl if was in school should be in Jr.Kg. (as per the new rules).. Kiddos in Jr. Kg are not even able to speak properly 1 sentence even when they are attending the nicest school..and this one was an uneducated little soul... and that too lost in the hushing n rushing traffic in peak hours..

I asked the driver to take the car by the foot path.. I called her there and asked her name.. She got scared enough to tell her name.. But when i pampered her ruffled hair...She spoke out with great difficulty - "Tamanna".. I was pleased to hear the name which also is a synonym to the word "craving".. Craving or Longing for love, care, food, money, education, luxuries or may be life????

She looked pale and exhausted.. as if every inch of her tiny body was complaining of the pain...I bought her a full platter of dinner from a nearby stall and a bottle of water as well.. I stood there till she completed it...She gobbled it up all as if she had been hungry since a week and i enjoyed watching her enjoying every small bite with great adoring expressions...

Once she finished it all.. I just asked her where was her home so that i could drop her by.. She showed me the footpath saying- "This entire road belongs to me..I can sleep anywhere I want..".. All of a sudden a smile curled up on my lips listening to her innocent answer.... All i could reply her was - "U have got a bigger bed than mine.."

I asked her about her parents.. because i still felt she was too tiny to handle her ownself alone...She said - "I am all by myself.. Whoever comes and stays and sleeps here with me .. may it be a kid or an adult is my friend... Parents I dont know..."

I was moved by the answer.. I was all of a sudden feeling a clump in my throat.. I cleared off the throat and asked her - "You have more friends than i have...How do u manage yourself alone?"

The reply she gave put me into shame.. She replied - "Memsaab, u cry when u feel lonely and can't handle.. We are used to it... For me, its an every day thing and we dont have those papers with us for tears.. We dont even wipe it off .. They dry up eventually" (She meant soft tissues)

I could not believe the reply i heard from a girl who was supposed to be in Jr. Kg. but is on streets..hardly 4 years old...I have never heard such replies from any 4-year kid even in the best school of the city.. I felt touched and decided to leave the place saying - "U indeed r luckier than me.. Do u wish to study?" .. Thinking she might have an ambition in life as well...Just like any other kid .. may be she might want to be this or that...

Her reply was - "I dont want all that mess in my life...So that after lots of years i sit in a big car under the yellow lights and cry .. I am happy here ...What is the difference between crying in a car or crying on footpath??.. "

I was speechless and had no reply to her question.. It was tough to accept that a 4 year old kid defeated me in rapid-fire round...I thought i should stop the conversation right there.. because it was making me feel more embarrassed... I just gave her a chocolate to end the meeting and started to move with a fast pace...All of a sudden I heard a shout and i turned around...She came to me running ... and told me with full innocent smile - "Memsaab.. Thank you.. and take care of urself... Can i sing a song for you? I will not charge you.."

I felt a chill run through my spine. I allowed her to mumble few lines... With broken lyrics in her sweet innocent voice she sang - "Tujhse Naraaz Nahin Zindagi ...Heraan Hoon Mein.. Tere Masoom Sawalon se Pareshan Hoon Mein...."... I felt goosebumps since that happens to be my favourite song. ... I  hugged her and reciprocated her cares ..... And sat in my car.. She waved me 'bye-bye' till my car was out of sight.. 

On the way, driver asked me - "Where shall i take u m'am?"

I said - "Take a U-Turn.. I wanna go home.. No need of doctor anymore.."


While coming back.. I was again lost into my thoughts.. I could not get "Tamanna" out of my mind...This time I felt contented and happy. .. Life felt complete... And I decided to accept the Life as it comes.. It was the best counselling I ever had in my Life... My Craving - Tamanna got satisfied...

May be Angels of God gave me enough warning signs to make me understand a Moral for Life -
"Be contented with whatever u have..U will surely get what u Deserve and not Desire.. That too Not soon but Eventually..."

I ignored those signs...  And thereby God Sent This L'il Angel "Tamanna" to Make me Understand...